Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
You Might Also Like
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I can’t stop watching this.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..