Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?