Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The dark side of Canada
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.