Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Eating for two.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

I’m aging like a fine banana

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.