Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef