Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Interior designer.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?