Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help