Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.