Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing