Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.