@better_off_dad

Sarcasm is like chocolate…

…technically you can live without it – but why?

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@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

@jtswhipped

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

@Skoog

leader: after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again

me: [about to unveil my “crime buddies forever” friendship quilt] never?

@Godhatespants

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

@aveuaskew

Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”

@QwertyJones3

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

@ThugRaccoons

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

@captainkalvis

Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs