My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Sarcasm is like chocolate…
…technically you can live without it – but why?
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“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.
leader: after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again
me: [about to unveil my “crime buddies forever” friendship quilt] never?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Tell me I’m beautiful
Tell me I’m a genius
“You’re a genius”
“Just give me the toilet paper, please”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
the council will decide your fate
Date: maybe go easy on the salt
*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*
Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach
Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little
Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs