Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids