Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

The Punning Dead.

Cinema or bowling

Does it…does it take 3 days

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

tourist season

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected