“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
who wants to go expliring
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.