Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
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I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
ME: Hi I’d like to check my balance
BANK TELLER: *shoves me*
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Ambien: Where is your unicorn?
Me: I don’t have a unicorn.
A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.
*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?