Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Spotted in the wild

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.