Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

My spirit animal is fried chicken

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…