Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

man: wait

time: no

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?