Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.