Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

Who wants to be my Valentine?

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉