Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

My love language is deader than Latin

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.