Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?