Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

Never deleting this app.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”