Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Thoughts

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead