Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

I think I’m having a stroke

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.