Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

bat life

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.