Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* đ”Sweet Carolineđ”
From a distance: đ”Bah bah bahđ”
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I donât know. Could be a bird.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Iâm not saying Iâm getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think âLook at that healthy joggerâ
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Iâm so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to âtingle his pantsâ
I canât wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if Iâm ok
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: theyâre bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] youâre not gonna believe this
Turns out when youâre asked who your favourite child is youâre expected to pick from your own.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out âCue the battleship!â in her sleep & now Iâm jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyoneâs way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me (trying to impress my date): Iâll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Does anyone elseâs spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women donât get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, youâre welcome ladies
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: Thatâs argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: iâm a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
You know itâs really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. Thatâs why I do it.
The Shining is onâŠ
âŠcanât decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Chomsky? Iâm afraid I donât Noam
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
âDoes anybody in the car have a heart condition?â I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex âDonât shoot until you see the soap in their eyesâŠâ or something like that.
