Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

Muppet Screams

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”