Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

BETRAYAL

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*