Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store