Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
You Might Also Like
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.