If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
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Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.