Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
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*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
*extreme close up*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Wait for it
People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I’m using creamer because I love myself