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@AristotlesNZ

Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me:..
Him:.
Me:..
Him:.
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.

@Jamie1947

*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.

@BoogTweets

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

@pterotactful

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

@Aut_tot

People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I’m using creamer because I love myself