Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
You Might Also Like
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“you changed” bro i was 15
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
