Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Expect the unexporcupine.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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