Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
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Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please