Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?