Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.