Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

lol

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen