Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
definitely did not do anything wrong
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!