*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone