Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

In space, no one can hear…

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad