*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Merry Christmas
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Harsh but fair
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.