Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
and now we wait
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
