Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
