Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Has there ever been a more American story?

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun