[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
WTF
Dumple
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!