[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
You Might Also Like
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Geez man, take it easy.
My first son he is wonderful
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My neck, my back, my…
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.