@GABBYdaAngSaya

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

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@somecleverthing

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

@cheers27402373

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

@Fred_Delicious

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

@sixfootcandy

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

@obviousplant_

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

@hippieswordfish

lobster christian grey: ‘my tastes are very…..singular’

*opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*

@dreamthievin

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

@GrabTheWEness

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.