If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.
I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.
ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?
GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?
ME: because i don’t have any money
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.