Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

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Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.


Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.


[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want


People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.


HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up

HER: yes

ME: (under breath) ruh roh