Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’M CRYINGGG
my retirement plan is braless
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.