@GABBYdaAngSaya

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

@lemonmartinis

How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute

@_shellzbellzzz_

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

@Phook75

As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering

@trevso_electric

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

@Scdavis24

I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.

@hipchkk

I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.

@TheHyyyype

ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?

GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?

ME: because i don’t have any money

@darksidedeb

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.