Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

👀