Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

Can confirm.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.