Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

Churches be like pew pew pew

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.