Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Sounds like a bargain

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.