Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?