Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*