Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.