Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight