Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.