Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.