Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

How to find Kentucky on a map

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.