Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Proctology is located in A55

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.