Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Yup!

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow