Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.