Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

LOL

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who