You Might Also Like
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…