Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
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SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.