@darkmatter_wimp

Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”

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@psybermonkey

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

@LambyMcSheeps

Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run

@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

@CountMackula

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@rivalpunks

In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.

@ohpeetie

[ Boyfriend walks into the room ]

Well, well, well….if it isn’t the boy who tried to break up with me in a dream last night.

@unmehlievable

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

@notalogin

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.