I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
You Might Also Like
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.