Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally