Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?