Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.