Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED