Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot