Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Happy Halloween 🎃

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Solving a traffic jam

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter