Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.