Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
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Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*