satan: not today, microsoft teams
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
