Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The French word for sex is croissant.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: