Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.